Contempt

This post continues our series on how not to do conflict in relationships. The last article examined the first Horseman, which was criticism (quick reminder; the Four Horsemen are unhealthy ways of communicating). The second Horseman is contempt. Of all the Four Horsemen, contempt is the most toxic and serious. Out of the four, it is the single biggest predictor of a relationship ending. If contempt is present in a relationship, then it must be addressed. 

Contempt is when one person attempts to make another person feel worthless or despised. It also involves one person acting like they have moral superiority over the other person. Contempt involves mean and disrespectful behaviour, such as biting sarcasm, name-calling, negative body language such as eye-rolling, or mimicking the other person's voice or behaviour. 

Though contempt can present as a criticism, it has a more serious flavour to it. To pick up the example from our last blog post on criticism, a contemptuous comment will involve language like the following: 

"Why is the kitchen still so messy? "You're so lazy! I don't have any problem getting my jobs done around the house. Man, you just can't do anything right, can you?"

It's not hard to see why contempt is so destructive - both to a relationship and the affected individual. It is hard to enjoy love and affection in a relationship when we are constantly hearing from the other person that we are worthless and inferior. 

Tackling contempt in a relationship is a must, and relationship or marriage counselling can be integral to ensure that the issue is appropriately addressed.

To learn more about contempt, visit the Gottman website. View our Relationships page to read about our relationship counselling service. You are also welcome to a free, 30 minute phone consultation to discuss your relationship needs and suitability for counselling. To book an appointment with Robertson & Ling, click here.