Stonewalling

This is the last post in our series on how not to do conflict in a relationship. We have already looked at criticism, contempt and defensiveness. The last of the Four Horsemen is Stonewalling. Stonewalling involves withdrawing from a conversation or conflict. People often describe it as "shutting down," or "like the person isn't there anymore."

Whilst stonewalling can sometimes result from a conscious decision to withdraw from a conversation, it is often caused by emotional flooding. In other words, an individual experiences such a high level of emotion - such as fear or sadness - that they no longer have the capacity to engage in the conversation in an effective manner. Furthermore, their ability to process information is significantly compromised. 

If we were to take our example, stonewalling would mean that once the individual is questioned about the state of the kitchen, they do not respond to their partner, because they have "shut down."

Often, couples or relationships can get into a pattern of how they "do" conflict. This means that if one person starts to feel like the conversation is once again heading down a conflictual path, their fear can rise, and stonewalling begins. In other words, stonewalling can become almost an instinctive response to conflict and disagreement. This can make it difficult to ever resolve conflictual issues, because one person is perpetually unable to engage in the conversation. 

Couples counselling can be very useful in learning how to avoid stonewalling. You can read more about relationship or marriage counselling at Robertson & Ling here. If you would like additional information about the Four Horsemen, please visit the Gottman website. You are also welcome to a free, 30 minute phone consultation to discuss your relationship needs and suitability for counselling. Alternatively, to book an appointment with Robertson & Ling, click here.