Why women don’t leave abusive relationships

I can still remember the conversation. I was debriefing with a colleague at my old job who worked in a different department. I’d just concluded an appointment with a client, who was a victim of domestic and family violence (DFV). They weren’t at imminent physical risk, and we had spent the session exploring the impact the relationship was having upon her. After hearing some of the details of the emotional and social abuse they were receiving, my colleague blurted out, “Well why doesn’t she just leave?!?”

Maybe this is something you’ve thought as well. It’s understandable. We’ve looked at the impacts of DFV, and at its worst, DFV can be fatal. Why would anyone stay in such a relationship?

Here are some reasons why:

1. Financial hardship
   Some women simply do not have the finances to leave. They don’t have enough money to rent or to buy a home, as well as provide for themselves - and possibly their children. This is particularly the case for women who have been financially abused, as they can find themselves having access to very little money.

2. Nowhere to go
   Some women feel they have no one to turn if they were to actually leave the relationship. They don’t have a friend or family member with a spare room, for example. And whilst emergency accommodation and shelters prioritise DFV victims (and particularly those with children), there simply aren’t enough beds to meet demand.

3. Safety concerns
   Women are at greatest risk of harm shortly after they have left a DFV relationship. Understandably, some women have huge and genuine fears for their lives if they were to leave. So whilst the status quo might be terrible, some women conclude - and not unfairly - that it is better than the possible alternative if they were to leave.

4. Impact on children
   Some women are concerned about the impact on their children if they were to leave. This can include safety concerns, as well as the impact a separation will have on their child’s functioning and development.

5. Holding out for change
   DFV relationships often follow a pattern, where the abusing individual promises to change their behaviour. Things may improve temporarily, but it never lasts. Nevertheless, some women will continue to wait for years for a permanent change in behaviour that is unlikely to come (for a more extensive explanation of the cycle of abuse, click here).

6. Not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like
   Some women have never experienced a healthy relationship, nor have they had one modelled to them. Maybe there was DFV in the home they grew up in, for example. Therefore, they see a DFV relationship as “normal.” In these instances, counselling at Robertson & Ling will focus on educating women on the characteristics of a healthy relationship.

7. Low view of self
   When you are told by your partner that you are useless and worthless, it can be easy to accept this as being true. Women who have been emotionally abused, particularly when it has occurred for an extended period of time, may find it difficult to believe they are worthy of a relationship in which they receive genuine love and care.

Whilst the picture above demonstrates how we might want women to respond to DFV, we must recognise that their situation is often complex and challenging. First and foremost, we must extend victims of DFV our empathy, understanding and support - whatever decision they ultimately make.

If you require urgent assistance for a DFV situation, please phone the police on 000. For non-urgent DFV matters, please contact the Family Violence Response and Referral Line on 1800 633 937.

You are welcome to a free, 30 minute phone consultation to discuss your suitability for counselling at Robertson & Ling. To view any other services that Robertson & Ling offer, such as marriage or couples counselling, please visit our services page. If you would like to book in for counselling at Robertson & Ling, you can do so here.