Why it might not actually be about the dishwasher

“…What was that all about?”

It’s normal to experience emotions like sadness, frustration or hurt after experiencing conflict with another person. But there’s one emotion that we see in our counselling practice often, and it may not be one that you would expect: confusion.

Let’s look at an example to illustrate. Scarlett & Fiona have just finished eating dinner together. Scarlett says that she’ll unpack the dishwasher that evening. Fiona is feeling quite tired and heads to bed early, thankful that the dishwasher will be unpacked. Fiona gets up the next morning, only to find that the dishwasher is still full. Furious, she wakes Scarlett up, and gives her a piece of her mind. There’s yelling, finger pointing, colourful language, unfiltered criticism - the lot.

Scarlett is shocked. She would expect this kind of a reaction if she’d cheated on Fiona. But forgetting to unpack the dishwasher? What was this all about?

As we explore this incident in counselling, Scarlett shares that she had previously been in an abusive relationship. One of the most damaging aspects of this relationship was that the other person never stayed true to their word. They said they would do something - they would stop cheating, they would stop hitting her, they would get help - but they never followed through. Scarlett can no longer stand people saying they will do something, but the actions don’t follow.

Scarlett and Fiona’s experience is common. Whether we like it or not, we carry our scars, hurts and traumas into a relationship. And whether we like it or not, they will make themselves known - often at the most surprising or inconvenient time.

But how do you know that something from the past is affecting an issue now? One of the biggest clues is if a person’s response seems disproportionate to the situation. An overreaction can indicate that there’s a trauma or hurt beneath the surface. This isn’t always the case - sometimes an overreaction can stem from exhaustion or stress, for example. But it’s a reliable hint, and in a relationship counselling setting, it’s often the flag that there’s something else that needs to be discussed.

And discussing it, whether inside or outside the counselling room, is important. Whilst it can be painful, sharing past hurts not only gives the other person invaluable context, but allows them to respond with empathy and understanding - which as we covered in a previous blog post, is a key way to connection with another person.

So remember…it might not actually be about the dishwasher.

To learn more about relationship counselling offered at Robertson & Ling, please visit our Relationships page. You are also welcome to a free, 30 minute phone consultation to discuss your relationship needs and suitability for counselling. If you’d like to make an appointment with Robertson & Ling, please visit our bookings page.